ManFlu
by Garnet Seren
Summary: This was born from a very old prompt over at Mass Effect KinkMeme where the request was to have Shepard's Love Interest ill with a simple bug and for her to look after him. I decided to take it a step futher and inflict every male crew member with an influenze virus, forcing the ladies to pick up the slack AND look after them all. FemShep/Thane pairing and set sometime in ME2.


Shepard stared at Dr Chakwas with a look of amusement and worry on her face. "All of them?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes Commander. Even Joker, Engineer Donnelly and Mess Sargent Gardener." Chakwas replied seriously.

"What? How? They weren't even in the shore party." Shepard's eyes widened in surprise.

"I'm currently running diagnostics on the strain to figure the how, but the what is very simple: Every male member of the crew, ground party or otherwise – human or otherwise, has contracted a previously undiagnosed strain of the influenza virus." The doctor answered.

Shepard let out an exasperated sigh, but a smile played on her lips. "So basically, I have half a ship's compliment of snivelling babies with ManFlu?"

"That is an accurate evaluation Shepard." EDI's artificial tones chimed in with a definite hint of amused sarcasm.

Shepard laughed. "Alright EDI, request the ladies meet me and Dr Chakwas in the Mess Hall in five minutes."  
"Could you also lock Joker out of the system?" Chakwas enquired, "He's under strict medical orders for bed rest."  
"Make that a command order EDI, we all know what he's like." Shepard added.

"You have got to be kidding…." Joker's irate tone over the Comm. System was interrupted by a sneeze.

"Acknowledged Shepard. Logging you out." EDI sounded almost like she was trying not to laugh.

* * *

"Shepard-Commander." A synthesised voice acknowledged.

The Commander smiled at the solo Geth unit that had joined herself and the other seven prominent women of the Normandy around the large table in the Mess Hall.

"Legion. It's good to see at least one man hasn't let us down." Shepard grinned.

"Geth do not have genders, Shepard-Commander, but this unit appreciated the sentiment." Legion replied.

The women laughed. "Good to know Legion." Shepard said, "So down to business, as Dr Chakwas has already explained, ever since we returned from Franklin our gentlemen companions have been struck down with the dreaded ManFlu." There were exaggerated groans from the Humans of the group and confused looks from Tali and Samara as well as a slight head tilt from Legion. "For those of you unfamiliar with this term, the men have contracted a strain of influenza and typically Human males will moan, whine and exaggerate the condition that a woman would simply get on with."

"Keelah." Tali muttered, "Men are the same whatever the species."

"Agreed." Shepard continued. "So whilst the _boys_ are struck down with this _terrible_ virus, it's up to us women – and Legion, to care for them and pick up the slack. EDI, as you may have guessed, is in charge of navigation and piloting whilst Joker is indisposed."

The group turned to look through the Med Bay window at a grumpy looking pilot wrapped in a pile of blankets on one of the MedBay cots. The Mess Sargent slept soundly in the bed parallel.

"Dr Chakwas will be solely in charge of Joker and Gardener's care but the rest of the guys need to be split between us ladies to ease the doctor's burden." Shepard informed them and was greeted by murmured agreement. "Kelly, normal duties as well as looking after Mordin please." Shepard continued.

"Certainly. If you like, I can feed your fish whilst you're busy." The Yeoman smiled cheekily.

The women laughed again. Shepard was good at remembering to feed Jenkins - her pet Space Hamster, but could forget about her fish when she was overworked.  
"I appreciate that Kelly. Miranda, will you be able to pick up some additional mission reports from me?"

"I can handle all the reports for the duration of this 'incident'." The Cerberus officer replied.

"Miri, I can practically hear the air quotes around 'incident', but that would be great. Thank you." Shepard laughed. "Samara, would you be willing to take care of Zaeed? I think you're the only one who could handle him."

The Justicar inclined her head in a small nod, but Shepard could see the faint smile pulling at the Justicar's lips. "Whatever will help, Shepard."

"Legion, can you run the Main Battery calibrations remotely?" Shepard enquired.

"Affirmative. We will not need to disturb Vakarian-Officer with our maintenance." The Geth replied.

"Great. Tali would you be able to look after Garrus, I will help you where I can with that stubborn Turian but I will be primarily taking care of both Thane and Grunt."

"Of course Shepard." Tali nodded.

"Your duties will remain the same as our Chief Engineer.  
Gabby, I need you to pick up Ken's slack, not that I doubt you already do, as well as take care of our resident Scotsman."

"No problem, Commander." Engineer Daniels agreed.

"Ok, Kasumi. Will you be able to take care of Jacob whilst sharing the armoury duties with Jack?"

The thief's eyes lit up under her hood. "Sure thing Shep."

"I'll help you with Grunt too." Jack muttered and Shepard blinked in surprised. Knowing the biotic wouldn't want a big deal made out of her uncharacteristic offer of kindness, Shepard simply nodded in agreement.

"Right ladies, and Geth, we have our assignments. Move out."

* * *

Shepard walked into Life Support carrying a bowl of Miso Soup that Kasumi had recently made for the men on board. The room was only lit by the purple hues of the drive core that danced through the uncovered window.  
A disgruntled Drell, sat huddled on his cot, wrapped in the extra blanket that Shepard had brought from her quarters. She found it hard not to snigger at the sight of such a fearsome assassin brought down by a simple influenza.

"Here you are." She offered the bowl to Thane who accepted it with slightly shaking hands.

"My thanks, Siha." Came the whispered reply.

"Your throat no better?" Shepard enquired, smiling affectionately at her lover.

"Your near constant deliveries of spiced tea has alleviated some of the tenderness." Thane replied hoarsely.

Shepard reached out and gently cupped the side of his face, running a thumb lightly along his cheek frill. "I'll be back shortly, I just need to check in on the others." She informed him, planting a kiss on his forehead.

* * *

"So, how's our patient." Shepard asked cheerfully as she entered the, unusually dimly lit, Tech Lab.

"He's doing ok, Commander." Kelly chirped back.

"Conclusion unsound. *cough* Temperature dangerously high. *cough* Effects on health… Problematic." Mordin wheezed.

Shepard chuckled. "You'll be fine Mordin. Keep up the good work Chambers."

* * *

Kasumi had managed to persuade Jacob to rest in the Port Observation Lounge and Shepard found the Japanese thief fluffing pillows behind the Cerberus Officer's head.

"Enjoying yourself Mr Taylor?" Shepard enquired in mock innocence.

"I'm not one for forcing these kind of talks." Jacob huffed as he wrapped the blanket more firmly around him.

"He's doing fine, Shep." Kasumi assured her, an impish grin on the thief's purple lips.

* * *

"Bosh'tet!" Tali's voice exclaimed behind the metal door. "I have a shotgun."

"I'm in the middle of some Calibrations." Garrus' flanging voice sounded muffled.

Shepard entered the Main Battery to find Garrus stood at his usual console, with the addition of a blanket wrapped around his head in a similar style to Tali's hood, and the Quarian glaring at her Turian companion through the mask of her envirosuit.

"No you're not Garrus." Shepard scolded her best friend gently. "Legion is dealing with the guns, you need to rest."

"Shepard, really, I'm fine." Garrus sounded like he was pleading.

"Gunnery Officer Vakarian, as your commanding officer I order you to strip your armour and get into that goddamn bed or I will let Chief Engineer Zorah use you as target practice for Chatika."

Garrus gave a half hearted growl in defeat and both woman stood with their hands on their hips as they waited for the Turian to get himself settled. Once he had, Tali moved to lay another blanket over Garrus' shivering bulk.

"Thank you Shepard, he's been such a Bosh'tet." Tali said, though there was affection in her voice.

"Just give me a shout if he starts acting such a Turian again." Shepard winked at her de facto sister.

"I hate you two." Garrus mumbled sleepily beneath the covers.

* * *

"How's my favourite pilot doing?" Shepard beamed as she handed a mug of sweet tea to a disgruntled Joker.

"All the planets and moons you go to and the only thing you guys ever bring back is this damn flu?"

"Not enjoying your gift? I'm offended. How's bunking with Gardener?" Shepard teased.

"The man's snoring could wake the dead. It's just my opinion though, there's really no need to go spreading it around." Joker grumbled.

Shepard quirked an eyebrow. "Unlike your virus."

"Really, Commander?" Joker's green eyes squinted in a mock glare.

* * *

"You came all the way down here to see us?" Ken's thick accent was harder to understand with his voice raspy from the virus and muffled under the blankets where he'd buried his head.

"I had to see how my fellow redhead was doing." Shepard ruffled the tufts of ginger hair that were barely visible above the covers.

"He should be court-martialled for insubordination." Gabby laughed "It took me _and_ Tali to coax him to bed."

The two women heard the Scotsman mumbled something about false pretences before Shepard head to check on her baby.

* * *

Walking into the Port Cargo Area, Shepard heard Grunt bellow: "I am Krogan! I don't get sick. We are you even here?"

"You're a plague zone, but I'm immune." Jack's sarcasm was unusally toned down.

"You blow everything up, like Shepard, I like you." Grunt replied in a quieter voice.

Shepard just walked backwards, retreating from the room before the pair spotted her. She shook her head and smiled. 'Should have seen that coming.' She thought to herself, tapping a quick message via Omni-Tool to let Grunt know she had been to check on him, but as he had company, that she'd return in later.

* * *

The scene in the Starboard Cargo had Shepard biting back laughter.

"Figured it might end something like this." Zaeed gasped.

"You are being overly dramatic." Samara's cool tone as she sat, crossed legged, on a crate near the mercenary's cot.

"Man up Gramps, it's only the flu." Shepard quipped as she joined the pair, leading against the crate the Justicar sat upon.

Zaeed coughed. "Smart money is on Reaper tech."

Samara and Shepard exchanged glances and wry smiles. "Sure it is." Shepard replied.

* * *

With a small sigh, Shepard re-entre Life Support. Unsurprised to see Thane had barely moved from the position she had left him in. She set down the two mugs of spiced tea she had brought with her.  
'At least he's not a whiner.' She thought to herself, trying to push away the worries of what this virus was doing to her lover's already fragile lungs.  
Her head was pounding and she rubbed her temples absentmindedly.

"Siha, are you well?" Thane rasped, his throat sounding painful.

Handing him one of the mugs, she replied: "Isn't that my line?"

"You are looking pale, Siha." He smiled before draining his mug in unusual haste.

Shepard quirked an eyebrow, but returned his smile. "Thane, you once described me: 'Hair of flames, eyes like emeralds, with skin the colour of porcelain'. I'm always pale." She set down his empty mug on the table beside her.

"I believe you missed out that you are a goddess incarnate and a vision to behold." Thane's velvet voice was no more than a whisper.

"Flattery will get you everywhere Sere Krios, so what is it you want?" Shepard's smile grew as she looked into Thane's Onyx eyes.

Instead of words, the Drell lifted up part of the blanket in invitation. Shepard chuckled, kicked off her shoes, selected one of the books that lined the singular shelf and nimbly slid in beside him.

"You only want me for my body heat." She teased, feeling Thane's body shiver slightly.

He snuggled into her closer as she adjusted her position to allow her to read comfortably. "That is merely a pleasant bonus Siha." He murmured into her abdomen.

She turned her attention to the book she had retrieved: Thomas Hobbes' Leviathan. 'Of course it is.' Shepard mused to herself, before settling down for a quiet evening. Feeling Thane's breathes even out as he began to doze soothed Shepard into her own state of calm, and she allowed herself a contented smile at the fleeting moment of peace.


End file.
